An abusive relationship is one in which there is an imbalance of power and control between the partners in the relationship in one or more of the following areas:
a) Respect- means listening to each other non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming, and understanding and valuing each other's opinion.
b) Trust and support- means supporting each other's goals in life and respecting the other's right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
c) Honesty and accountability- means accepting responsibility for oneself which in turn means acknowledging past uses of abusive behaviours; admitting being wrong and communicating with each other openly and truthfully.
d) Shared responsibility- means mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work and making timely decisions together. The process/means of reaching the agreement in a mutually respective manner is more important then who is doing what.
e) Economic partnership-means making financial decisions together, ensuring that both partner's benefit equitably from the financial arrangements.
f) Negotiation and fairness- means seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, being accepting of change and being willing to reach mutual compromises.
g) Non-threatening behaviour- means talking and acting in such a way that both partners feel safe and comfortable with how they choose to act or express themselves.
h) Responsible parenting- means sharing parental responsibilities in a manner that brings a positive and non-violent role model for the children. This is to ensure that the children are not used as pawns between adults.
It is important for you to review your relationship using the categories described above to determine where the issues in your relationship are. The categories are defined in the positive and can be used as a measuring stick of where you are in each area.
If all of these areas are in balance then you have a relationship of equality, and choosing to separate can proceed with both partners keeping the best interest of all parties as the focal point. An imbalance in any of these areas indicates an abusive relationship. A power imbalance creates unsafe conditions to mediate an end to the relationship. The issues of imbalance must be addressed to provide a safe plan for all involved.
If you have identified areas of imbalance, you need to seek assistance from a neutral third party experienced in dealing with such issues to help you manage your separation in a safe manner. For women there are counseling and shelter services available to assist in planning for personal safety. For men there are services through private counseling that can assist with a safety plan. These services can be found in the yellow pages in the local telephone book under the heading "Marriage, Family and Individual Counsellors". In some areas there are social service agencies that will assist people in safety planning. In most areas your local Social and Family Services, Children's Aid Society, local mental heath staff or local library service can provide you with information on locating services that are available and accessible.
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Jackie Ramler is passionate about providing low-conflict resolution and non-court options to divorcing families. A financial planner with specialized divorce financial training, she uses the Collaborative Team Model, an approach that works on behalf of both parties, helping them reach an agreement as quickly as possible. Because no one wins in divorce.
For more information and free resources, visit http://www.divorcechoices.com
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